Monday, 31 May 2010

RIP Tankini

Innovation is a wonderful thing. Practicality is also, as life is not as magazine beachwear shoots would have us believe. The tankini, on paper, should therefore be a saviour to all women, salvation to the many problems incurred by a beach holiday. No more unsightly tummy when frolicking amidst the waves, no more one-size-must-fit-all swimsuits, no more bikini’d philanthropy. Perfection incarnated, right? Wrong.

The tankini is so, so wrong in so many ways. Any woman who believes it to be a solution of any kind needs a stylist’s overhaul immediately. It does not mask one’s poolside dignity, or lack thereof, but merely opens the field for infinite wardrobe malfunctions. Besides, reader, have you ever had the delight of perusing an even vaguely shapely or stylish tankini ensemble? No, of course you haven’t, because tankinis are ubiquitously unflattering. That two inch ring of flesh between the top and the bottom, the catastrophic necklines, the lack of body contour. I have only ever seen a tankini look half decent when there is no gap between the top and the bottom. It may as well be a swimsuit.

Jump into any good swimming pool for further reasons as to why tankinis are the devil’s spawn. The lack of below-breast security means that you may as well have only bought the bottom half anyway. Either way, it all leads back to our tried and tested friends, the bikini or the all-in-one.

Forgive me if this all seems overwhelmingly hyperbolic, but the rules are simple: if you are lucky enough to be lean, toned and body-confident, don a bikini, if you are none of the above, brave a swimsuit and invest in fake tan for your pasty bits. There are some innovations which do not work. And this is one of them.

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